I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Ladies don't puke and tell
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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