He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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