If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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