Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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