I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
