um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
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