You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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