sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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