I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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