I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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