I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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