so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize