I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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