you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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