i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
