Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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