my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
high people should be assigned attendants
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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