I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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