oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
