So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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