Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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