...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
