Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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