i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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