I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize