He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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