Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize