why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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