How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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