I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
