The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
