remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
