how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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