an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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