I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
