Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
