i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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