But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
