When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize