It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
