I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
