Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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