I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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