some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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