Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
