capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
