just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
