so that wasnt chicken after all
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I have feelings that need drinking.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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