I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You made out with two different species that night
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
