Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
