It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
