I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
