We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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