Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I puked a lego.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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