Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
only you would photoshop your dick
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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