I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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