I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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