I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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