when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
