The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
