Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
