my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
